I once murmured it into the shadows, lying awake, observing the clock inch past 2 a.m. My body ached from exhaustion, but my thoughts were relentless, racing like a marathon throughout the night. When daylight finally seeped through the curtains, it didn’t bring the sense of morning; it felt like defeat, another day to endure on empty.

At times, that was the most challenging moment of the day. Insufficient sleep left me ill-equipped to tackle another shift, and I could sense the heaviness of dread weighing down my chest. If you’ve never encountered it, dread is far from trivial.

I reassured myself, “I’m okay.” Determination had led me to achieve everything else: the degree, emergency medicine board certification, a six-figure salary, the house, the vehicles. Surely it could resolve this issue as well.

Just put in more effort. Push through it. Be tougher. That mentality extracted more from me than I ever anticipated: two marriages, a struggle with opioid dependency, and years that should have been filled with happiness and purpose.

I paid an immense toll, much like many professionals do. In reality, it nearly cost me my life.

Affecting the things that mattered most

I can now recognize how my depression played a role in the collapse of my first two marriages. It’s tough to be present for your partner when you lack self-acceptance.

In 2020, five years into my current marriage, I sensed it surfacing again. My world was constricting. I was less involved with my wife, more detached from my boys. My exhaustion in the emergency room reached a breaking point.

I sought refuge in naps, convincing myself I merely needed rest, but the truth was I sought escape from myself.

Shame began to infiltrate. Not operating at my full capacity felt like a failure. Hence, I remained silent.

At times, that silence manifested as irritability. Were my kids truly unruly and worthy of the booming “Dad voice”? Or were they simply being kids? It was difficult to see clearly.

Other times, the silence emerged as withdrawal. I just need a nap. If I could only cease to exist for an hour or two, perhaps I’d feel better.

Work became increasingly challenging

For nearly twenty years, I thrived amidst chaos. Four ambulances within 25 minutes? No issue. I wore that pace as a mark of pride.

But something shifted.

The same shifts that once invigorated me now incited dread days in advance. I began to question whether I could continue the work I once cherished.

My empathy waned. My patience diminished. I hoped I still appeared compassionate externally, even when I felt empty inside.

How I regained my health

My wife recognized it before I did. “Perhaps you should consider going back on your antidepressant,” she suggested gently.

I complied. However, the spark never returned. Like many patients, I didn’t respond significantly to the medication. The reality is, these medications don’t address the root of depression, which I’ve learned is less about serotonin deficiency and more about a decline in neuroplasticity due to persistent stress.

Counseling in the past had assisted me in processing, but it didn’t alleviate the burden. I didn’t attempt it this time. I felt defeated, questioning if this was simply my nature. Would I perpetually struggle as my father did, trying to manage the darkness?

Then I discovered IV ketamine therapy.

A medicine I thought I was familiar with

I’d utilized ketamine in the ER for years to sedate children for painful procedures. I recognized it as a secure anesthetic, not as a depression treatment.

Then I delved into the research.

Since 2000, studies have demonstrated its significant effect on suicidal ideation.

Unlike SSRIs, ketamine directly targets the brain: the neural pathways, rather than merely the neurotransmitters.

Chronic stress erodes connections within the brain. It’s akin to having too many vehicles and insufficient lanes; traffic everywhere, communication nowhere. Ketamine aids in reconstructing those pathways. It facilitates reconnection in the brain.

Healing commenced after just one treatment

After my first infusion, I told my wife, “I want everyone to experience that.”

For the first time in years, my mind was serene. I felt tranquility. I felt empathy.

Upon returning to the ER, the work remained demanding, yet it no longer tormented my spirit. I could navigate adversity with calmness and clarity. I possessed resilience amidst the struggles.

Today, IV ketamine therapy, which proves more effective than other methods like intranasal or oral, is the reason my depression is in remission. I don’t take antidepressants. I don’t grapple with my mood. Even the tough days aren’t shrouded in gray, and when they do arise, it’s merely for a day. That’s just life, and I’m okay with that!

IV ketamine restored the life I almost lost.