Title: Accepting Maternal Ambivalence: Exploring the Hidden Realities of Motherhood

In contemporary society, motherhood is frequently glorified through idealized representations—beaming smiles, cozy cuddles, significant milestones, and unwavering love. However, beneath this facade exists a profound reality that often goes unrecognized: motherhood is also characterized by emotional intricacy, inner conflict, and a shifting sense of self. This blend of affection and frustration, happiness and guilt, tenderness and bitterness is termed maternal ambivalence.

Margo Lowy, a psychotherapist and author of the book Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood, explores this psychological and emotional landscape, working to normalize these contradictions so mothers everywhere can attain greater self-awareness, resilience, and authenticity.

What Is Maternal Ambivalence?

Maternal ambivalence describes a mother’s simultaneous, often contradictory feelings toward her child and her parenthood role. These emotions encompass love and frustration, joy and sorrow, attachment and detachment—often occurring side by side in everyday parenting situations.

Lowy states, “Maternal ambivalence is the ability to hold together all of a mother’s different feelings,” including those regarded as socially unacceptable or ‘dark.’ The societal expectation of the self-sacrificing, endlessly loving, and tireless mother provides little room for this reality. Nonetheless, these feelings signify not failure but rather the richness and complexity of maternal identity.

Why Is It a Taboo Topic?

Lowy posits that maternal ambivalence remains a taboo subject partly because it contests the “sacred” concept of motherhood. Society perpetuates the illusion of the perfect mother—infinitely patient, nurturing, and fulfilled solely by her child’s presence. This ideal allows no room for emotional complexity nor recognizes that maternal identity can change through moments of doubt, contradiction, and even anger.

When mothers encounter feelings of resentment, fatigue, or weariness, silence often follows—stemming from shame or fear of criticism. These emotions are then internalized, leading to guilt, isolation, and mental health issues.

The Psychological Value of Naming It

A crucial aspect of mental wellness involves recognizing and unpacking the challenging emotions we experience. For mothers, pinpointing these mixed feelings as maternal ambivalence offers clarity and affirmation. Lowy suggests that naming these experiences not only legitimizes them but also transforms them into opportunities for insight and growth.

“Our dark emotions can renew us,” says Lowy. She illustrates this with a relatable scenario: when a child momentarily goes missing in a mall, a mother may feel panic, blame, guilt, and an overwhelming love all in rapid succession—each intensifying the other rather than negating them; their coexistence enriches the emotional connection and deepens understanding.

How Maternal Ambivalence Shows Up

Most mothers don’t explicitly articulate, “I’m feeling maternal ambivalence.” Instead, they might express sentiments like:

– “I adore my child, but I long for my previous life.”
– “I can’t wait for bedtime more than anything else.”
– “Sometimes, I no longer recognize who I am.”
– “Why do I feel so annoyed with my own child?”

Lowy highlights that these statements often indicate underlying ambivalence—a typical and healthy aspect of contemporary motherhood. Early recognition can prevent emotional suppression, which may contribute to depression, anxiety, or burnout.

The Path to Healing: Self-Reflection and Compassion

Healing begins with self-reflection. Lowy encourages mothers to revisit their own childhood experiences—how they were raised, what they internalized, and what they opted to continue or reject. Motherhood, she notes, is frequently passed down through generations, yet it certainly warrants examination.

Next comes the practice of slowing down. In a society that constantly measures milestones—meal times, nap times—it is easy to become inflexible. Learning to “flow” with motherhood, as Lowy describes, can reignite joy in everyday activities like bath time or bedtime narratives.

Crucially, self-compassion is vital. “If we extend compassion to ourselves,” she observes, “we’re more likely to offer it to our child.” Acknowledging errors, forgiving oneself, and embracing imperfection can be liberating. The notion of perfect parenthood is a fantasy; the aim is to engage in present and conscious parenting.

The Role of Partners and Support Systems

Partners, family members, and close friends play a crucial role in supporting mothers navigating maternal ambivalence. Being present, listening without judgment, and affirming the mother’s experiences helps to alleviate silence and stigma.

It’s not about resolving problems but walking alongside mothers through them. As Lowy clarifies, undermining a mother’s daily challenges—even unintentionally—can intensify stress and feelings of being overlooked. Recognizing the mental landscape mothers traverse daily is an essential part of offering support.

Why Embracing Ambivalence Matters

When ambivalence is recognized rather than shunned, it transforms into a force that enriches motherhood. Lowy describes ambivalence as “transformative energy.”