The question “What’s strong within me?” surprised me the first time I encountered it. Since we often channel our daily reflections towards what isn’t working, it can seem strange to inquire about what is strong. Yet, this straightforward question has the potential to loosen the grip that challenges maintain over our thoughts and pave the way for a different mindset. We’ve all experienced instances where problems feel so overwhelming that they consume our thoughts. Those are precisely the moments when emphasizing strengths becomes most crucial. Mindfulness educator Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, “As long as you are breathing, there is more that is right with you than wrong, irrespective of what is wrong.”

Many parents I collaborate with adopt this perspective. They emphasize their child’s strengths and ensure that others do as well. However, some parents, upon hearing about their child’s strengths, respond with, “Yes, but,” redirecting attention back to what isn’t working. I believe the aim is to find harmony: to reach “Yes, and.” Certainly, we should take every measure to comprehend and address autism and its associated features, but none of this is meaningful if we don’t underscore and cultivate your child’s strengths.

What constitutes a strength

I view strength as something an individual can perform, and when they engage in it, it benefits them. Strength represents an ability. Everyone possesses strengths. However, not everyone perceives strengths in this manner. Often, people confuse strengths with abilities that are evaluated against others’ abilities or against some external benchmark. Some researchers even categorize strengths exclusively as those skills that are executed nearly flawlessly every time. By this criterion, only machines and superheroes possess strengths. It’s no surprise that recognizing strengths in our children and ourselves proves challenging.

Defining strengths through comparisons is illogical. Take, for example, an activity you perform that serves you well. Perhaps it’s jogging, hiking, swimming, cooking, organizing, adhering to a schedule, bringing laughter to others, showing care, assisting others in learning, or any of the skills that enable you to be the parent, friend, citizen, and individual you aspire to be. I regard my aptitude for mindfulness and meditation as a strength, but if I compared myself to a Zen master, it could easily appear more like a weakness.

Some might argue that comparisons should be made to the “norm” or “average” level of ability. In that scenario, would a skill need to surpass that of half the population to qualify as a strength? It’s impossible to ascertain our relative standing compared to so many others. And even if we could determine this, it wouldn’t hold significant meaning. A person’s proficiency in any area and its utility to them is largely unrelated to others. The same is true for all abilities. Of course, we commend Olympians, world-record holders, and others who showcase exceptional talents. However, those remarkable feats do not outweigh the importance of acknowledging and cultivating individual strengths to progress towards personal aspirations and realize potential.

Thus, strengths cannot be determined through comparisons with others, nor can they be defined solely by outsiders, including those regarded as experts in child development. It’s the responsibility of each individual, with the support of those closest to them who understand them best, to identify their own strengths. Take a moment to engage in this strength-finding exercise regarding your child. When recounting a specific event, include details about the environment, what your child was engaged in, and the actions of others.

– Describe instances when you observed your child performing at their best.
– Describe occasions when your child relished interactions with others.
– Describe moments when you witnessed your child triumph over a challenge.
– Describe some methods your child uses to care for themselves.
– Describe how your child showcases joy (What does your child look like when they are happy?).
– Describe an instance when your child completed a new task or revealed a new talent.

To thrive in this world, we must all recognize our strengths. Regrettably, learning to acknowledge one’s strengths is typically not included in individualized education plans or behavior therapy strategies, even though it ought to be. Learning necessitates a willingness to take risks, and taking risks demands confidence and trust in one’s abilities. Your child stands a better chance of fulfilling their goals if the internal dialogue is asking “What’s strong within me?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?” Over time, this can also serve as a safeguard against depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns. You can influence your child’s internal dialogue and assist them in being guided by their capabilities, rather than by their limitations.

Suzanne Goh is a pediatric neurologist and the author of Magnificent Minds: The New Whole-Child Approach to Autism.