As a parent and a physician with almost forty years of experience, I’ve frequently navigated the challenging landscape of a dual life: that of a committed doctor and that of a devoted parent. I’ve not always excelled in both domains. My wife and I are burdened by our careers, immersed in the esteemed yet taxing realm of medicine. Our goals and desires, while rewarding, have sometimes clashed with the gentle duties of parenthood, forcing us into choices that are neither simple nor merciful. The sacrifices made for our medical professions have undeniably impacted our family life.

During our residency, my wife and I benefited from the aid of both sets of parents in Puerto Rico. They acted as our support system, stepping in to care for our children, allowing us to navigate the often rocky waters of medical training. Their assistance was crucial, enabling us to pursue our careers while raising kids. This experience emphasized the significance of cultivating a strong support network, and we urge all healthcare professionals with families to seek and cherish such support, whether it’s from extended family, friends, or professional groups.

I remember the disappointment that darkened my sons’ faces when a late hospital shift prevented me from cheering them on during their baseball games or soccer matches. The sadness in their eyes pricked at my heart. Those moments highlighted how the delicate balance between work and family life became not just a challenge, but a profound source of guilt. The emotional burden of these missed opportunities is a reality that every physician with a family must confront, and acknowledging and processing these feelings is essential for maintaining a healthy equilibrium between work and home life.

My wife, an extraordinary individual, often chose to place our family ahead of potential professional growth when opportunities for advancement arose. She postponed her ambitions for promotion and leadership, convinced that these prospects would take away valuable time from our children. Her sacrifices were quiet yet monumental, testifying to her strength and illustrating the often-hidden struggles of those who juggle two demanding spheres.

As physicians, our careers come at an implicit cost. It’s not just the missed events; it’s the thread of emotional connection that frays in the midst of a hectic career. The relentless pursuit of excellence in our medical field often overshadows the challenge of remaining present as parents, creating a balancing act that hovers precariously between fulfillment and remorse.

However, there are rewards. My career has instilled resilience and determination in my children. Though I’ve missed important events, I find comfort in their accomplishments, which reflect their hard work and commitment. My eldest son now serves in the Navy as a judge advocate following his graduation from Harvard Law School. Another has risen to play Major League baseball with the Seattle Mariners. I believe these successes were shaped by the values and work ethic they witnessed at home, where striving for excellence was an everyday occurrence. It’s intriguing to ponder whether my sons would have cultivated such professional drive had they not been raised by two doctors. I’ve also previously noted how my children have contributed to making me a better physician.

In the field of medicine, where success is often gauged by accolades, we must acknowledge that the roles of doctor and parent are intertwined, enhancing rather than opposing one another. This recognition should serve as a source of affirmation and comfort for all of us striving to navigate these two essential aspects of our lives.

So, how do we find balance? How do we reconcile our desire to be emotionally and physically present for our children with our responsibilities to our patients and colleagues? Are there ways in which the medical profession could show more understanding and collectively appreciate the advantages of family life for doctors? Are the sacrifices demanded by the profession genuinely necessary for our patients, or is there an element of belief that we must “prove” our commitment to medicine through adherence to rigorous schedules and social norms?

As I approach retirement, reflecting on my choices brings a bittersweet blend of pride and regret. On one hand, I achieved a vital balance between a fulfilling medical career and the immeasurable value of being present for my family. On the other hand, missed opportunities linger in my mind, accompanied by the query: Could I have done better? Could we, as medical professionals, be doing more to support our children and our colleagues who are also parents?

My own professional drive, which has at times veered into obsession, was shaped by my father’s explicit decision to prioritize his medical career over his family. A man plagued by insecurities, my father conveyed through his actions that he believed doctors were superior individuals, and that being a physician mattered more to him than being a father. As a chubby second child who struggled to match my older brother’s achievements, I felt the weight of my father’s judgment and his disdain for the ordinary.