I can engage with patients and their families and discuss hospice, dementia, or end-of-life care without reservation. Years of training as a physician and geriatric psychiatrist have equipped me for these discussions. However, when my own parent required care, all that training seemed to vanish.

Medical expertise didn’t protect me from feelings of fear or guilt. It didn’t prevent the second-guessing that accompanied every choice. It didn’t assist me in resolving family disputes regarding “what Mom would have preferred.” In that instant, I wasn’t the physician. I was the daughter, and that was significantly more complex.

Why caring for our parents seems different

We believe our clinical experience makes us more suited for caregiving. In truth, it can complicate the situation:

– Detachment dissolves. With patients, we maintain a professional distance. With our parents, that doesn’t exist. Every alteration in their health feels intimate.
– Self-doubt escalates. A diagnosis or care plan appears clear-cut in the hospital, but at home with your parent, the “what-ifs” resonate more intensely.
– The “doctor in the family” designation clings. Siblings, spouses, and relatives rely on us, occasionally without checking if we wish to assume that role.
– The guilt intensifies. We bear guilt for not being present enough, for not accomplishing enough, for not halting time.

And then there’s what I term the “prophet in your own country” paradox. With patients, our expertise is respected. Our suggestions carry significance. But at home, that authority often fades. Siblings may disregard our contributions, parents may overlook our recommendations, and relatives may regard our years of training as merely another viewpoint. It can be disorienting: We are trusted to care for the most critically ill patients in the hospital, but regarding our own families, our medical judgments are scrutinized or even dismissed. That dissonance adds another dimension of grief and frustration because, beneath it all, we are still the child, not the doctor. And sometimes, our parents don’t seek our clinical knowledge. They simply want their son or daughter.

What medicine doesn’t impart

Medical education does not equip us for the messy truths of family caregiving: sibling disputes, juggling professional expertise with personal loss, or the emotional turmoil of being both “child” and “clinician.” Yet, this is the hidden reality for many physicians in midlife. We are tending to children and parents simultaneously while maintaining demanding careers. Burnout studies seldom consider this additional layer, but it influences how we engage in medicine each day.

Lessons I’ve acquired as both physician and caregiver

– Vulnerability is not a flaw. Acknowledging that this is challenging, even for a doctor, is not defeat. It’s transparency.
– Boundaries are essential. We cannot serve as the full-time physician and the full-time child. At times, the best gift we can offer is to step back and simply be “son” or “daughter.”
– Caregiving necessitates community. Just as no physician practices in isolation, no caregiver succeeds alone. Support groups, coaching, and conversations with peers can make a difference.
– Compassion must be directed inward. We extend compassion to our patients consistently. We owe ourselves the same kindness.

A message to my colleagues

If you are a physician caring for aging parents, you are not solitary. Struggling does not indicate that you are less competent or less dedicated. It signifies that you are human. We pursued medicine to aid others. But sometimes, the most significant patient we attend to is in our own family, and sometimes, the most difficult one to care for is ourselves.

*Barbara Sparacino is a triple board-certified physician in adult and geriatric psychiatry and addiction medicine, and the founder of The Aging Parent Coach. With over fifteen years of clinical experience, she empowers adult children to navigate the emotional, legal, and caregiving complexities that arise when supporting aging parents. Her expert insights have been featured by major outlets, including NBC, Fox News, CBS, Apple News+, Style, Care.com, and Next Avenue.*

*Through her signature program, The Aging Parent Plan, Dr. Sparacino helps families make confident, values-based decisions about care while preserving their own mental and emotional well-being. She continues to practice psychiatry and teach through her work with the University of Miami and the Veterans Health Administration, advocating for a compassionate, evidence-informed approach to aging and mental health.*

*Follow her on Instagram, TikTok, or visit The Aging Parent Coach to learn more.*