Navigating Discussions on Children in the Era of Gender Diversity

By Pamela Adelstein, Family Physician

For numerous parents, few subjects evoke as much joy and pride as sharing experiences about their children. It’s a natural conversation starter in both social and professional settings: “Do you have kids?” Followed by, “How many?” And inevitably: “Boys or girls?”

Though seemingly innocent, this final question can carry weight—for parents of gender-diverse children, especially those who are transgender or nonbinary. What appears to be casual conversation for some might feel intrusive or even dismissive to others. As society grows more aware of gender fluidity, it becomes vital to engage in family discussions with an expanded perspective and heightened sensitivity, understanding, and compassion.

Reimagining Small Talk

The query “boys or girls?” implies a gender binary and a static identity, overlooking the spectrum and fluidity of gender. For many parents of transgender or nonbinary children, these binary inquiries provoke a mental and emotional dilemma: Should I respond with a simple answer that omits a crucial truth? Should I explain and potentially invite confusion or confrontation? Or should I avoid the question altogether?

Pamela Adelstein, a mother of two—one cisgender daughter and one transgender nonbinary child—notes that although these interactions may be well-intentioned, they can lead to emotional exhaustion. She states, “My child is far more than their gender. They have enjoyable hobbies, unique interests, a wit that shines, and a strong commitment to social justice… They do not wish to be identified simply as ‘the trans person.’ They just want to live authentically.”

Curiosity vs. Intrusiveness

When parents disclose that their child is transgender or nonbinary, it can trigger a flood of questions. Some may genuinely seek to understand—“What does nonbinary mean?” “When did they come out?”—while others delve into intensely personal or medical issues, such as whether the child has had surgery or undergoes hormone therapy.

Though these inquiries may emerge from curiosity, they can come across as voyeuristic and invasive. Consider how the reverse might feel: “When did your daughter realize she was cisgender?” “Have you thought about how parenting might have impacted her gender identity?” Such questions would likely seem ridiculous or inappropriate, yet they reflect the inquiries often made of the parents of gender-diverse kids.

The Power of Allyship Through Listening

So, what’s the best approach?

Begin by acknowledging that a person’s gender identity or that of their family member is not always a matter for discussion. If someone decides to share, respond with respect and openness, and focus on more than just their identity. Inquire about their child’s interests, hobbies, or recent accomplishments—the very questions you’d pose to any proud parent.

It’s also essential to be attentive to your language. Instead of asking “boys or girls,” consider: “Tell me about your children” or “What are they into these days?” This approach not only embraces various gender expressions but also encourages a dialogue centered on personality rather than assumptions.

Wider Political Contexts

For healthcare professionals like Adelstein, the intersection of family, gender identity, and medicine assumes even more critical dimensions. As a family physician assisting gender-diverse patients, she has observed the impact of medical discrimination and the transformative potential of affirming care firsthand.

“The medical system has historically been a source of trauma for many gender-diverse individuals,” she notes. “In my practice, I strive to alleviate some of that pain—to look at someone and convey ‘You are safe here.’”

However, recent legislative changes and political developments, especially following the 2024 elections, have intensified anxieties among transgender individuals and their families. Numerous states are restricting access to gender-affirming care, fostering instability and distress, particularly among parents eager to ensure their children’s well-being.

Adelstein adds, “My patients are universally terrified of losing their healthcare and human rights. I do everything in my power—to listen, provide reassurance, and acknowledge their stress. It breaks my heart every single day.”

The Resilience in Authenticity

Choosing to openly disclose a child’s gender identity presents its own set of challenges. Parents like Adelstein often find themselves in the role of unintentional educators, advocating for greater understanding while navigating complex emotional landscapes. Even in moments of fatigue, they press on—with courage driven by love.

They speak not for recognition but to foster a more inclusive environment. “If more brave individuals share their stories AND others strive to listen more attentively, such shifts in perspective could become routine,” she emphasizes, referencing situations where understanding was enhanced following personal revelations.

Conclusion: An Invitation for Thoughtful Dialogue

Our language holds significance. It reflects our openness or ignorance, our curiosity or consideration. In an era where gender identity is no longer confined by a checkbox, we must take time to reframe our queries and broaden our empathy. Rather than asking “Is your child a boy or a girl?” consider asking, “What brings your child happiness?”